Friday, April 13, 2007

Things I Don't Believe In

There are two things I don't believe in, well there are many things I don't believe in (that there are well dressed polygamists, that Donald Trump's hair is real, that Anna Nicole Smith deserves any time and attention, etc etc etc), but there are two that have been on my mind lately.

One: Mutual Breakups. They just don't exist. Have you ever broken up with someone and had it actually be a mutual decision? If you answered yes, you are a liar and you were the clingy one who wanted the relationship to go on and on and on. In every instance there is one person who would rather not let go, but when their girlfriend/boyfriend brings up the breakup they coyly say, "Oh, yeah, I agree, we should see other people. I was actually planning on talking with you about that very same thing." This desperate attempt at a cover-up fools no one. This person no doubts agrees to be be "just friends" all the while holing him/herself in a darkened bedroom playing the most depressing collection of mix cd love songs.

Two: Global Warming. Yeah, suck on that Smithfieldman!!! It doesn't exist. I have seen the movie Day After Tomorrow and I know where your BFF Al Gore got the plot for his 'documentary' An Inconvenient Truth. I also know how it ends...with more snow and wolf attacks in NYC. I am unimpressed. I sincerely wish that global warming did exist because my life would be easier if it were a little warmer around here. I also wouldn't mind if the water level rose a bit. I like the beach, but sadly it will never happen.

I also have Tyra Banks theories but they will have to wait for another six months from now be prepared.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


When The Rage and I imagined our Alaskan Adventure (which we did many times during the months leading up to our departure, much to the chagrin of our less fortunate friends), we sometimes imagined the type of plane that would go to a place like K-Can International. I pictured a cerca WWI two seater with The Rage and I passing an econo size back of pretzels back and forth as I piloted and she dropped bombs. In my imagination there was a lot of "Pilot to bombadeer" dialogue and it was very enjoyable. In reality the planes we took to K-Can were normal sized. I won't say 737 or 747 because I don't really care, but suffice it to say there was plenty of room for strangers to sit between us and we were given real refreshments. Our plane flying out from K-Can was also normal.

Things somehow fell apart when we got to Seattle. With the fabulous etickets I purchased on, we had to re-check in at Seattle. We kept waiting and waiting for the Delta gate to open...and yet it didn't. Okay, it eventually did, but not before some undue stress. Then our flight allegedly meant to depart at 6:58 hadn't started boarding by 6:47. I thought to myself "Hmmm, something appears to be wrong." Then when all the carryons were being checked to go with the regular luggage I really began to wonder. Well, mystery over. Our plane was a wopping 50 seater. At least The Rage and I can say that we made the last leg of our little journey together. Me on the aisle. The Rage at the window. Just like nature intended.

The most interesting aspect of the little plane was our flight attendant who shall be called Calvin as that was his name. Calvin, dear Calvin, Blog Reader (yeah, singular) how can I describe Calvin? Calvin was, oh so clearly, gay and not the kind of gay that goes out with his buddies on the weekends and has a few beers. Gay in the manicure, sculpted eyebrows sense. He was from St. Thomas (Virgin Isles) and had a great aspect that he used to get snippy with all those who were chatting instead of listening to the pre-flight instructions. Calvin cautioned all passengers to "Take your headsets off whether or not they are in use so I don't get the impression that they are on."

Things were shaky as one can expect on a small plane, but Calvin kept serving up the drinks like a pro. Did I mention Calvin was our only flight attendant? Well, he was. Everything went wonderfully except for when Calvin was busy putting on lotion and would not get buckled in properly for landing. One final bit of advice from Calvin was to remain buckled until the 'fasten seatbelt' light turned off and to refrain from smoking until we reached designated smoking areas, then on second thought he added, "Or do not smoke at all, because smoking is bad for you." Needless to say Calvin was the only flight attendant that I ever heard given applause.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Wrong Side of the Ribbon: A Travel Memoir

All right friends, time has come to put in words the unnatural wonder that is K-Can and all the joys experienced there in. I could not, of course, complete this blog without giving props to my two friends, Freakishly Tall and The Rage. This memoir is dedicated to them.

So what type of things can one expect from my memoirs? Good question. The general form of these sort of endevors is to report in a chronological order the facts as they happened. This will not be that type of memoir. Oh, never fear. You will get the complete K-Can experience, but in short vignettes that are just short of literary brilliance. Yes, brilliance.

The first episode will tell of the trip home and the heartbreak of leaving behind beloved K-Can. Expect it tomorrow. (Yes, tomorrow). What else will be revealed? Perhaps a little news about R.R. Lava, or that Apple Crisp is my particular weakness. We might find out that Sony and Vinnie are like brothers, or that the Mexican place serves the best pizza in town. In short all of K-Can will be unfolded in order that we, as a public, might better understand the complexities of such a wondrous little isle.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I Did the Unthinkable

That is right folks. I joined a gym. Not only did I join but I got a personal trainer. His name is Chad and he knows more about the muscle groups than a human should. When looking at him or speaking with him casually, you think, "Why, what a nice young man." But when he is putting you on the climbing machine and saying "Only five more're doing great" you (or at least I) consider punching him very hard in the stomache. And you might do it except for the fact that you are so weak that your leg muscles are quivering and you are pretty sure you want to die. Ah, but even with Chad's multiple personalities the gym has been a good investment. I will never like the climbing machine, but I've reconciled myself with everything else.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Gotta Get Back to the Good Life

Okay. I've sincerely decided that no matter what happens between now and April I am moving back to Scotland. Shocking. Not so much, everyone is moving on and it is time I moved on as well. I'm already in the process of looking for some sweet jobs (I don't think with clear conscience I could work for the SNP again...also they don't pay enough to live) so more news about that as I get it.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Two Things I Don't Like: Parades and Inappropriate Work Place Relationships

Okay...I have decided that I really dislike parades and inappropriate work place relationships. These two discoveries came in one action packed week. I'll start with my unnaturally strong feelings about parades. I'm not sure what the thrill is because it seems unnaturally large balloon animals/men and marching bands are better served in a half time show setting. In other words, they have another outlet, why do we crowd the streets to see such a spectacle? And floats... I'm still not sure what their purpose is. At any rate not only do they take time and happen in the hot summer sun AND take hours...they take up space. The wonderful people who organized the 4th of July Parade instead of only sectioning off one to two streets felt compelled to section off a whole quadrant of the town making it impossible for me to get to my apartment by the usual means. Long story short it took me over an hour to get home from Casey's house when it generally takes a grand total of fifteen minutes. Needless to say I have added Parades to the "Things I Hate List" It is a great list that has things like Fitted Sheets, and Beets.

The other subject of my emnity is slighly more disturbing. Lets suppose I have two workers. One is married although rumors claim her marriage is bad, I have never seen any hard evidence of the fact so like to take the high road and claim that it is just gossip. The other co-worker I can only describe as a prick. Seriously, one of those painfully insecure people who try too hard to convince you that they are wonderful. At any rate these two unique ficures are almost universally despised at work (I am one of the few people who like the girl in the equation) with good reason. I've never worked with both of them at the same time but the other night I had the rare pleasure of seeing their workplace flirtation in action. I must say I felt quite sick the whole time. They were a little too touchy feely and then they would have these little flirty arguments that took me back to Junior High in the worst possble way. Ugh, at least our other inappropriate work place relationships never touch each other.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Writing Conference Day Four

All right, I've decided that I love T.A. Barron. He is the greatest speaker and an all around nice guy. He came into our session today for about forty minutes and then later we had a little chat after his keynote address. I've decided that his sincerity and love for his work is something that I'd like to emulate. I'd much rather be a classy individual than a corporate sellout.

Didactic count...none but the LOTR references are now up to about 564. Good times.

I was told that if I plan to publish in more than one genre I need to get different names. So I am toying with some ideas. When I write for middle grade boys I will be Mitch Sweat. When I write YA fantasy I think I might try my hand at Michele Disraeli. Then for my ADULT ROMANCE SERIES I will of course be called Cordelia D'Angelo. Okay that last one was a joke.