Cynicpicnic

Things I Don't Believe In

2007-04-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

There are two things I don't believe in, well there are many things I don't believe in (that there are well dressed polygamists, that Donald Trump's hair is real, that Anna Nicole Smith deserves any time and attention, etc etc etc), but there are two that have been on my mind lately.

One: Mutual Breakups. They just don't exist. Have you ever broken up with someone and had it actually be a mutual decision? If you answered yes, you are a liar and you were the clingy one who wanted the relationship to go on and on and on. In every instance there is one person who would rather not let go, but when their girlfriend/boyfriend brings up the breakup they coyly say, "Oh, yeah, I agree, we should see other people. I was actually planning on talking with you about that very same thing." This desperate attempt at a cover-up fools no one. This person no doubts agrees to be be "just friends" all the while holing him/herself in a darkened bedroom playing the most depressing collection of mix cd love songs.

Two: Global Warming. Yeah, suck on that Smithfieldman!!! It doesn't exist. I have seen the movie Day After Tomorrow and I know where your BFF Al Gore got the plot for his 'documentary' An Inconvenient Truth. I also know how it ends...with more snow and wolf attacks in NYC. I am unimpressed. I sincerely wish that global warming did exist because my life would be easier if it were a little warmer around here. I also wouldn't mind if the water level rose a bit. I like the beach, but sadly it will never happen.

I also have Tyra Banks theories but they will have to wait for another post...so six months from now be prepared.

Calvin

2006-10-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

When The Rage and I imagined our Alaskan Adventure (which we did many times during the months leading up to our departure, much to the chagrin of our less fortunate friends), we sometimes imagined the type of plane that would go to a place like K-Can International. I pictured a cerca WWI two seater with The Rage and I passing an econo size back of pretzels back and forth as I piloted and she dropped bombs. In my imagination there was a lot of "Pilot to bombadeer" dialogue and it was very enjoyable. In reality the planes we took to K-Can were normal sized. I won't say 737 or 747 because I don't really care, but suffice it to say there was plenty of room for strangers to sit between us and we were given real refreshments. Our plane flying out from K-Can was also normal.

Things somehow fell apart when we got to Seattle. With the fabulous etickets I purchased on Orbitz.com, we had to re-check in at Seattle. We kept waiting and waiting for the Delta gate to open...and yet it didn't. Okay, it eventually did, but not before some undue stress. Then our flight allegedly meant to depart at 6:58 hadn't started boarding by 6:47. I thought to myself "Hmmm, something appears to be wrong." Then when all the carryons were being checked to go with the regular luggage I really began to wonder. Well, mystery over. Our plane was a wopping 50 seater. At least The Rage and I can say that we made the last leg of our little journey together. Me on the aisle. The Rage at the window. Just like nature intended.

The most interesting aspect of the little plane was our flight attendant who shall be called Calvin as that was his name. Calvin, dear Calvin, Blog Reader (yeah, singular) how can I describe Calvin? Calvin was, oh so clearly, gay and not the kind of gay that goes out with his buddies on the weekends and has a few beers. Gay in the manicure, sculpted eyebrows sense. He was from St. Thomas (Virgin Isles) and had a great aspect that he used to get snippy with all those who were chatting instead of listening to the pre-flight instructions. Calvin cautioned all passengers to "Take your headsets off whether or not they are in use so I don't get the impression that they are on."

Things were shaky as one can expect on a small plane, but Calvin kept serving up the drinks like a pro. Did I mention Calvin was our only flight attendant? Well, he was. Everything went wonderfully except for when Calvin was busy putting on lotion and would not get buckled in properly for landing. One final bit of advice from Calvin was to remain buckled until the 'fasten seatbelt' light turned off and to refrain from smoking until we reached designated smoking areas, then on second thought he added, "Or do not smoke at all, because smoking is bad for you." Needless to say Calvin was the only flight attendant that I ever heard given applause.

The Wrong Side of the Ribbon: A Travel Memoir

2006-10-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

All right friends, time has come to put in words the unnatural wonder that is K-Can and all the joys experienced there in. I could not, of course, complete this blog without giving props to my two friends, Freakishly Tall and The Rage. This memoir is dedicated to them.

So what type of things can one expect from my memoirs? Good question. The general form of these sort of endevors is to report in a chronological order the facts as they happened. This will not be that type of memoir. Oh, never fear. You will get the complete K-Can experience, but in short vignettes that are just short of literary brilliance. Yes, brilliance.

The first episode will tell of the trip home and the heartbreak of leaving behind beloved K-Can. Expect it tomorrow. (Yes, tomorrow). What else will be revealed? Perhaps a little news about R.R. Lava, or that Apple Crisp is my particular weakness. We might find out that Sony and Vinnie are like brothers, or that the Mexican place serves the best pizza in town. In short all of K-Can will be unfolded in order that we, as a public, might better understand the complexities of such a wondrous little isle.

I Did the Unthinkable

2006-08-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

That is right folks. I joined a gym. Not only did I join but I got a personal trainer. His name is Chad and he knows more about the muscle groups than a human should. When looking at him or speaking with him casually, you think, "Why, what a nice young man." But when he is putting you on the climbing machine and saying "Only five more minutes...you're doing great" you (or at least I) consider punching him very hard in the stomache. And you might do it except for the fact that you are so weak that your leg muscles are quivering and you are pretty sure you want to die. Ah, but even with Chad's multiple personalities the gym has been a good investment. I will never like the climbing machine, but I've reconciled myself with everything else.

Gotta Get Back to the Good Life

2006-07-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Okay. I've sincerely decided that no matter what happens between now and April I am moving back to Scotland. Shocking. Not so much, everyone is moving on and it is time I moved on as well. I'm already in the process of looking for some sweet jobs (I don't think with clear conscience I could work for the SNP again...also they don't pay enough to live) so more news about that as I get it.

Two Things I Don't Like: Parades and Inappropriate Work Place Relationships

2006-07-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

Okay...I have decided that I really dislike parades and inappropriate work place relationships. These two discoveries came in one action packed week. I'll start with my unnaturally strong feelings about parades. I'm not sure what the thrill is because it seems unnaturally large balloon animals/men and marching bands are better served in a half time show setting. In other words, they have another outlet, why do we crowd the streets to see such a spectacle? And floats... I'm still not sure what their purpose is. At any rate not only do they take time and happen in the hot summer sun AND take hours...they take up space. The wonderful people who organized the 4th of July Parade instead of only sectioning off one to two streets felt compelled to section off a whole quadrant of the town making it impossible for me to get to my apartment by the usual means. Long story short it took me over an hour to get home from Casey's house when it generally takes a grand total of fifteen minutes. Needless to say I have added Parades to the "Things I Hate List" It is a great list that has things like Fitted Sheets, and Beets.

The other subject of my emnity is slighly more disturbing. Lets suppose I have two workers. One is married although rumors claim her marriage is bad, I have never seen any hard evidence of the fact so like to take the high road and claim that it is just gossip. The other co-worker I can only describe as a prick. Seriously, one of those painfully insecure people who try too hard to convince you that they are wonderful. At any rate these two unique ficures are almost universally despised at work (I am one of the few people who like the girl in the equation) with good reason. I've never worked with both of them at the same time but the other night I had the rare pleasure of seeing their workplace flirtation in action. I must say I felt quite sick the whole time. They were a little too touchy feely and then they would have these little flirty arguments that took me back to Junior High in the worst possble way. Ugh, at least our other inappropriate work place relationships never touch each other.

Writing Conference Day Four

2006-06-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

All right, I've decided that I love T.A. Barron. He is the greatest speaker and an all around nice guy. He came into our session today for about forty minutes and then later we had a little chat after his keynote address. I've decided that his sincerity and love for his work is something that I'd like to emulate. I'd much rather be a classy individual than a corporate sellout.

Didactic count...none but the LOTR references are now up to about 564. Good times.

I was told that if I plan to publish in more than one genre I need to get different names. So I am toying with some ideas. When I write for middle grade boys I will be Mitch Sweat. When I write YA fantasy I think I might try my hand at Michele Disraeli. Then for my ADULT ROMANCE SERIES I will of course be called Cordelia D'Angelo. Okay that last one was a joke.

Writing Conference Day Three

2006-06-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Short post. Mainly because it was a short day. I learned all about triangulation...it's a good thing and The Dark Archer is full of it.

Talked a lot about Lord of the Rings A LOT. A stuck in a room with a bunch of fantasy nerds. Good times

Didactic count, Sadly zero...but tomorrow is a long day which will no doubt make up for it.

Writing Conference Day Two

2006-06-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

The Dark Archer is presented to mixed reviews. Apparently there are those who do not love the anti-fantasy fantasy novel. Being set on a ship is too much for them. Others however LOVE the story and most people find the characters charming and the dialogue lovable. They just have to get used to all of the history right at the beginning.

Didactic count for today...two.

Writing Conference Day One

2006-06-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

So the agent told me that he is interested in my book and needs to see a sample. I should send it to his office with the important word "Requested Manuscript" on it because then he will know that he wants it.

The word Didactic was used three times. Those people need to find a new word.

Realised what I will be calling the Dark Archer II (for those of you who know the first book in the series Terra Cotta Hope). It shall be known as The Dark Archer Delivers.

Mostly nerds like fantasy...

Robert Jordan really does have brain cancer and is not expected to live above four to six weeks. Who will finish his books. Why oh why did he waste time with the prequel?

Some More Pirates

2006-06-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

When we last left our pirate friends relationships were just beginning, a few were ending, and Smithy died...again. In the meantime The Rage and Will Turner have consoled themselves in the old fashioned way and decided to shack up in a house boat along the coastline. Michy has plotted revenge because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and Kit has yet again assisted Smithy the Mummy to rise again. We join them now as Michy visits The Rage to inlist her help in another dastardly plot.

"I'm telling you it will work!" Michy insisted as she sucked down at least her fourth green apple popsicle of the day. "It is genius but I'm going to need a little help."

"I'm not sure..."

"Stop being a pansy. We're going to need a ship, though." Michy said as she glanced around. "Though your little love nest is charming it hardly qualifies. We need a little something with power, perhaps a little flash."

The Rage nodded slowly but then said, "You know, if Will finds out about this..."

"He's not going to find out," Michy said impatiently. "Now we're going to need a little help so I suppose we'll have to hunt down Kit and that bumbling minion of hers. I know he fathered her child and all that but please!"

"He has aweful taste in entertainment that is for certain," The Rage added. "I seem to recall that he likes theatrical works that are poorly written and slightly unbelievable."

Meawhile...

"Now Smithy, try to concentrate... a screwdriver involves vodka and orange juice," Kit demonstrated and her freakishly tall (but slightly lovable I admit) sidekick. "No don't drink it! You're supposed to save it for the customers."

Kit cast an eye about her Tortuga Tavern and frowned. It was the usual scurvy/syphilis infected sailors brawling and trying to pick up on the women of ill repute which in the old days would have been just fine for someone with Kit's talents, but lately the Tavern business seemed too sedate. Something was missing...

All About Andy: The Greatest Hits Tribute

2006-05-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

The other day I was sitting around contemplating the new fabulous apartment and wondering what could possibly be missing. I glanced at the couch and realized that it lacked one important feature and his name is Andrew.

Yes, Andrew departed for bigger and better things in K-Can, so here is a brief tribute list about Andrew and the things that I liked(or currenty miss) about him.

1- Calling him Scandrew
2- Writing him notes in Dr. Bohn's class
3- Planning the epic musical theatre (yes, re) production "Waiting For Bohn"
4- Having romantic candlelight dinners of melted cheeses at Leatherby's.
5- Addicting each other to quality television
6- Two words: International Cinema
7- He had a truck
8- Seeing him at least once a day everyday was so wonderful
9- The Leather couch
10- How he went by Andy in Fruitland
11- THE SLICKERY PANTS!!!
12- High Noon parties
13- How he always looked slightly sleepy
14- Teasing him about the Jamaican
15- Forcing him to interrupt his running for cups of water
16- MICHELITA! His random shouts in the street

All I can say is that I cannot wait for the K-Can trip October 2006. Totum Poles and Andy=two of my favorite things.

The Break Up

2006-04-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. I broke up with my parents today. I told them that I didn't think we should see each other for a while...and we definitely should not talk on the phone. Some may wonder why I have made this seemingly rash decision, but trust me I have been thinking about it for quite some while. These are the reasons:

1- A little Chilean I know is far too easily offended.
1a- Who knew the accent could be the reason for so much misunderstanding. Turns out some things just will never translate.
2- Constant need to remind their offspring (we'll call her me) that she is unmarried and childless thus in the Mormon world almost a waste of space.
3- Constant need to criticise said offspring's life choices.
4- Idealistic vision of other children who are in far away places. How quickly we forget the finacial drains and skanky girlfriends named Yoko.
5- Unnatural interest in said offspring's social life. No, I don't like him like that parents. and NO we are not going to get married, and yes, I do know that Dustin is the one that got away!!! Leave it alone.
6- In short Big Steve and Consuelo are driving me mad and it seemed like the appropriate time to let them down gently.

Marathons! The Bane of My Life!

2006-03-28T11:16:00.000-08:00

I hate marathons, in fact I despise them. Even silly things like 5K "fun runs" etc. Since when was running fun? I see only one point for running and that is if someone is running after you. I've said it before and I'll say it again, in that situation I would definitely be able to find some other mode of transportation in order to get away. But I don't hate marathoners on principle. Hey, if running is your thing far be it from me to criticise. The thing I really dislike about marathons is that they shut down streets in order to host the stupid things. Who can forget the time I was late for a little meeting in Edinburgh and I was detained because I needed to cross the street and marathoners just wouldn't let up the pace? Then last Saturday I was late for an appointment with my favorite guy, Jace, when I got held up by (what else) a marathon? I could see my house a mere block away. One of my roommates snidely asked why I didn't just park and walk the distance. Silly girl, I wouldn't park in front of Casa Linda if my very existence depended on it, those punks already stole my gas can (don't think I have forgotten). So I sat there while the inept crossing guard lady had no idea how to direct traffic. When I grow up remind me to live in a place where people don't like to run.

Getting Over Rachel

2006-03-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

I made an observation the other day--you will be interested to know that it came after one of my co-workers received a text message that signalled the end of his pseudo relationship. Turns out my co-worker who we will call Cam because that is his name couldn't get over his x named Rachel. You think this is a one time event but I know several people who have a Rachel. Apparently if you have that name it is your duty to go around breaking people's hearts. I know this because I have a roommate named Rachel and it never fails whenever we are introduced to people they have to tell the story of the Rachel that broke their heart and/or turned them against dating forever. I don't have a "Rachel" unless you count my roommate who is an actual Rachel. I would just like to know what is it about these girls named Rachel that makes them so hard to get over...

Back to the Basics

2006-03-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

The other day I was wondering why I never blog anymore? Is it because I have nothing to say? Is it because I am too busy? Is it because I am a slacker? No, no, and yes. I just realized that my blog has strayed from its original format. I need to get back. I need to start using my blog as an outlet to criticize everything and everyone that I do not like. I have decided a top ten is in order:
TOP TEN THINGS I AM NOT FOND OF AT THIS MOMENT
10- Utah alien hair. It is ugly, it is falsely blonde, and it screams future soccer mom.
9- Ill planned church activities that I am responsible for.
8- English majors who like to comment about (and yet do not understand) the inner workings of Emmanuel Levinas.
7- Fliers taped to doors.
6- Not getting my shipment from Amazon.com as soon as possible.
5- SNOW! RAINY SLEET OR ANYTHING LIKE IT.
4- Needy roommates who have 'profound' relationships every two seconds.
3- People talking about me on Nationstates.net (Jon, I know who you are and I know what you are saying)
2- Not sleeping enough of the weekends.
1- Self-righteous people (almost said pricks) who look to annoy at every moment.

Ahh, didn't that feel better? I know it did for me. The ranting is back!

Ode to Eric The Landlord

2006-02-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

Eric is odd. More than odd. Sometimes I wonder if Eric is diabolical. How else do we explain showing our apartment off in the middle of a Saturday without telling anyone. He is a strange duck. I will miss the kidney shaped pool of truth, but I will not miss Eric, when I move. I guess it will be a lot sooner (okay four months) sooner than anticipated. Hopefully I will not pass through another era of homelessness.

A Note on The Burns' Supper

2006-02-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT

A VERY Special Valentine's Day Pirate Event

2006-02-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

When we last left (months ago as the Wicked Rage will constantly remind) The Rage was working on her seductions and Smithy the Mummy was cruelly murdered by Will Turner. Sad stuff. In honor of Valentine's Day we will have a little montage of lovers. No it will not be like the sequel to The Doctor Delivers, but it will be quite classy.

(cue "All By Myself--the version NOT by Celine Dion")

Kit sat crying over the bloodied heap that had once been Smithy the traitor. The cold walls of the rental cave were no where as cold as her heart at this moment. She'd lost the only man she truly loved and she suspected that before he died he'd been having an affair with a high maintenence Jamaican. "Oh, why did you have to leave me?" she sobbed.

As her tears mingled with Smithy's blood a strange thing happened. His sick mummy heart began to slowly beat. "Kit, Kit," he mumbled in his inaudible mummy slur.

Kit looked down to see that by some Valentine's Day miracle he was alive!!! "Oh Smithy...you have a son!"
====================================================================
(cue the music to "I Can't Live if Living is Without You--not the version by Mariah Carey, but the good one")

As Michy and Norrington walked side by side in the corridor of the Govorner's house, Michy realised that Norrington was miles away. He's thinking of that ho, she thought sadly. Where did they go wrong? Perhaps the fact that she was a pirate and he was a man of the Royal Navy. There were too many differences. It started out so promising with him taking her prisoner...but some things aren't meant to be.

Michy stopped and Norrington continued walking. It was officially over. She turned and left without even saying goodbye.
====================================================================
(cue "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye)
The Rage's heart was pounding, but not because she'd almost been murdered by a maniacal mummy. Oh, no. Her heart beat only for Will Turner.

Will sat silently. He didn't know what to think. In his mind there was a literal torrent of images and in his heart was a torrent of emotions. Was it too soon to look for another lady love??? Hmmm, that was a moral dillemma.

As Will sat cowardly weighing the pros and cons of getting into a romantic entanglement with someone called The Rage, the pirate in question walked over and said, "Hey Will (picture Hank from DQ S2), how about we go get a drink and go back to my place?"

Will raised his eyebrows in surprise. It wasn't a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all.
====================================================================
(Cue "Tainted Love", "Break Free", and all eleven billion minutes of "Freebird")

Jason The Faux Chilean Prince/Ambassador of Easter Island opened the epistle that had been lying on his table for a few hours. He whistled a happy tune then broke the seal. The letter appeared to be from a bar wench he'd known in desperate days gone by. Her name was Yoko and she'd been considered a scourge by all his friends and relatives.

"Darling Jason--the letter read,
By the time you read this I shall be married..."

Jason dropped the letter, threw back his head, and laughed with relief. At least she wouldn't stalk him anymore.

More Pirates/Mummies

2006-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

You are all thinking "Hmmm, why hasn't politicchic6 written for months?" I'll tell you why, I've been lazy. But things are looking up and I feel ready to make my story even better. When we last left Smithy was turned into a Mummy. This scene finds The Rage in an important role. Everyone is sitting at the wake after a flash of lighting and a sudden clang of thunder the wild caribbean rains begin to pour down.

The Rage listened to the constant weeping of those attending the wake and wanted to throw up. Nothing was more annoying than having to pretend you have a soul while trying to work your seduction. She glanced over at her longtime friend Mitchy and shook her head. Mitchy was too busy chasing Norrington around to be of much use and now with Smithy dead. She sighed. All the sudden she noticed that Will Turner was so overcome with emotion that he was leaving out a small side door. Nonchalantly The Rage stood up and quietly followed him.

"So, some crowd in there, huh?" The Rage eloquently said.

Will looked up startled. "What, oh, oh yes. Everybody loved Elizabeth. She was so wonderful."

"Yeah, she was a real peach."

"I-I-I don't know how I'm going to live without her. I've loved her ever since we were children and it seems there is no reason to live any more," Will sadly bowed his head.

"A good friend once told me that the best way to get over your ex is to move on to your next," the Rage suggested.

"What?"

At that moment a large man covered in leper bandages came stumbling into the room. He staggered this way at that and plunged for will slabbering and saying, "Norrington, Norrington, Norrington."

"What the hell?" The Rage shouted and trying to jump out of the way.

Will jumped boldly in front of her and pulled his sword from his side. "Leave her alone you unholy beast! Get back!"

Apparently mummies aren't very sharp because the artist formerly known as Smithy kept a charging in a very mummylike fashion. Will stabbed and stabbed and stabbed Smithy again until the leper bandages were red with mummy blood. Finally the mummy fell into one unattractive heap.

"Wow," The Rage said in an awed tone. "You're really strong."

"I've been working out," Will said modestly and looked at The Rage for the first time. The moment seemed to go on for a small eternity until Kit burst in upon them.

"Oh, no, not again!" She moaned, "Jimbo, I'm going to need you to drag this body back to the cave!"

The Victim of a Horrible Crime

2005-12-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am the victim of crime right here in Provo, Utah. Today as I went to get into my great vehicle I noticed that the door was already open. It was a disconcerting fact, but I can't complain too much because the doors don't lock anyway. I thought to myself, "Gee, I hope no one is in the Suzuki stealing my seat covers". Nope, the seat covers were all intact. Then I went on a few visits and noticed when I walked out to my car that my GAS CAN WAS MISSING!!! Seriously some dirty rotten thief (Casa Linda??? Just saying) stole my cas can that was 3/4 full. What if I run out of gas somewhere? I could freeze to death on the side of the road or worse, be killed my a serial killer as I attempt to hitchhike to safety. I hope that there was water in that gas! I hope those theives don't get into a decent kingdom if you know what I mean.

Pirates 12: Endangered Love

2005-12-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control (Scandrew is somehow responsible for the International Cinema showing our movie late, I'm not sure how, but it is his fault) I have received some free time to update a little fanfic action.

While we were away we discovered that Jason (Mi chy's pirating little brother) was impersonating the Chilean Ambassador. There was also a large explosion where a lot of people met their deaths. First and foremost the theiving scum we liked to call Smithy. His death was so horrible that I can't begin to put the horror into words. Miss Swann also died, but more about that later. We now enter the scene at Miss Swann's wake.

Elizabeth Swann's body lay upon the table under a sheet. She'd been too disfigured from the blast and frankly, no one wants to see that sort of thing after a tolerably good welcoming party. Will Turner looked at the body and disolved into a fit of womanly tears that just made The Rage love him more.

"This is weird, eh?" Michy whispered to The Rage who had disguised herself as a servant in order to keep a close eye on Mr. Turner.

"Tell me about it." Jason nodded. He looked pretty flashy in his regal getup, even with the thinning hair.

"I vote we get out of here as fast as possible," Jimbo said.

"We have to stay or it will look even more suspicious! Which is, to be honest, unfair. How was I supposed to know that you had been made Prince or something of some dinky island, or that you were going to blow the place up." Michy said. She was annoyed, mainly because Norrington was ignoring her and kissing up to Governor Swann. "Where's Kit? If I know anything about you guys it is that you couldn't have pulled this crazy plan off without her."

"She's mourning Smithy," The Rage said.

The Rage was only partially correct in this assesment. True, Kit was mourning, but even more sinister than that, Kit had discovered a way to keep her love (and the father of her child) Smithy with her forever. Back on Tortuga Kit's Tavern had been a haven for those who dabbled in the black arts...that's right folks, witchcraft. There was an Egyptian who'd given her a book...the Book of the Dead which could supposedly bring someone who had died back to life.

Kit had stolen Smithy's body and as it lay in her cave (yeah, she rented a cave while no one was looking) she chanted the words, "Eleka Nahmen Nahmen. Ah Tum Ah Tum Eleka Nahmen. Eleka Nahmen Nahmen. Ah Tum Ah Tum Eleka Nahmen. Eleka Eleka."

Suddenly the twisted tortured frame that had once been Smithy began writhing on the table.

Kit looked up through her tears and triumphantly shouted, "HE LIVES!!!"

St Andrew's Day Seduction Party

2005-12-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

The love lights were on. There were also balloons. A little Ginger Ale to get everyone crazy. The question game. All this to only end in a strange handshake and eternal ridicule from the cynics.

My Visit to Narcotics Anonymous

2005-11-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, you heard me. Narcotics Anonymous (or NA as we in the biz like to call it). The meeting went something like this:
"Hi, I'm (insert name) and I'm an addict."
"Hi, (name)."
"Let's begin with the Serenity Prayer..."
And then they jumped into that. At random times during the meeting people would say the word "Support." I discovered later that in rehab saying "support" is like "here here" or "ditto" or, my personal favorite, "Amen". Luckily I got to sit in the very special meeting, mainly that the addicts were going to share messages of hope through their talents. It read straight out of a Lilith Fair program with one weepy guitar solo about drug use after another. It got especially awkward as none of the songs were very hopeful. Most of them were depressed bordering on suicidal. There was a flute involved, but mainly a lot of angry chick rock. Oh, and poems!!! How can I forget the poem detailing (pretty graphically) a girl's descent into drug use, from the first bit of weed, to prostituting herself out for more meth. Yikes! There was a high point, though, when one of the girls in my unit (no dirty jokes KittyKat5000 and The Rage) sang Amazing Grace. It kind of lifted the whole thing.

Birth of a Pixie Vixen

2005-11-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

That's right. I have now been dubbed Pixie Vixen. It all has to do with the new job. Remember the other night when I was learning all about the geek heirarchy? Well, I think I have met some gentlemen (we'll call them co-workers/potential love interests) who are way up at the top of the scale. A certain guy who basically got me the job (We'll call him Casey because that is his name, and that is how he is known in the cyber world) said that the people at my new place of work play all sorts of lame video games in their spare time. They would no doubt think that I looked like a Pixie Vixen, which I'm pretty sure I do. Which kind of begs the question, "What does a pixie vixen actually look like?" Or more importantly, "What do pixie vixens do?" I'm not sure, all I know is that Pixie Vixens should not be subject to random drug tests. Who can go to the bathroom on command? Now that is a talent. I lack the skill, and never perform under pressure.

Movin' on up to the East side!!!

2005-11-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

I finally have a new and better job!!! This job really balances all I think that I need in my life more money and nighttime activities. You dirty people (Stewed Slacker and The Rage) can take that how you want it, I on the other hand will take the high road. I start training next Monday and today is quite possibly my last day at work. Training Kody with a K has been a blast. That kid looks like he is going to stick with it. Hey, he worked on Alaskan fishing barge for six months and didn't quit that so I think that the Brewster building has a new recruit.

Pirates 11

2005-11-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

Spoiler: There are going to be some huge plot holes in this chapter, mainly because the author, though an expert in the Old Testament and Costa Rican Extradition Treaties, knows nothing about explosives complex or otherwise.

When we left our pirates, they were watching Michy dance happily along with Norrington at the ball for the Chilean Ambassador.

"Well, there's only one thing to do," the Rage concluded. "We've got to get her out of here."

"We can't do that!" Kit hissed. "Look at her getting up close and personal with the enemy!"

"We can't leave her. She'll just get into trouble," The Rage said. "We're rescuing her whether she wants it or not. I'm the boss around here, so Smithy, you distract Norrington. Jimbo, you get the explosives ready, Kit, keep an eye on that scrumptious morsel of Will Turner and make sure you can get him out of here if things get dangerous."

While the pirates plotted, Norrington spun Michy around the room with ease.

"So, um, Michy, I have to be honest with you, I thought that after I recieved Miss Swann's cruel rejection that I would never love again. And yet, now I find that knowing you has opened up horizons that I never knew existed. What I am trying to say is do like someone named Norrington like more than a friend?" Norrington asked.

Michy looked up at the tall, pale, and handsome man right about to say "And how!" when Norrington froze midstep and muttered a curse. "What, what is it?"

"Nothing," he said. "Um, I'll be right back."

"Um, aren't we in the middle of something that might be potentially important to the rest of both of our lives?" Michy tried not to sound urgent or desperate, but failed.

"Don't worry, my dear." Norrington said then quickly kissed her forehead and took off at a trot.

"Hmm. Well, that wasn't strange." Michy said, while she was being grabbed from behind in a vice grip. Luckily her skills as a pirate hadn't left her altogether and she struggled wildly.

"Cut it out!" The Rage said.

"Hey, what are you doing here? Last time I saw you, you were leaving me prisoner."

"Last time I looked you seemed to like it. But there's no time for that now, we have to get out of here. We are going to use some explosives and show these people a lesson." The Rage let out an evil chuckle.

"You can't do that!" Michy protested. "I've been thinking about getting out of the business, and there's this guy. . . ."

All the sudden the trumpets sounded to announce a late arrival. Both The Rage and Michy stared at the door in wonder. "Jason??? What is he doing here?"

"Could this day get any weirder?" Michy asked. But sadly, it would get a lot stranger. All the sudden out of nowhere an explosion rocked the mansion.

Kidnappings, Breakups, and Humiliations...Oh My!

2005-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, peeps, some of you have been clamoring for the Pirates to be updated, and I'm not going to lie I have a really sweet idea for the next segment...I hope someone doesn't die!!! Or a couple of people don't die!!! Spoiler--Andrew is going to get it in a big way! Some of you may wonder why I have not had the time to write, and I'll tell you, getting your nephew almost kidnapped, cheering on a breakup and prepairing a bbq, and getting humiliated in the worst way without even realizing it at the time...they take work my friends. I think that life may have just returned to normal and I might be able to kill of Smithy sometime soon. For the rest of you who check the blog regularly, your efforts will be rewarded.

Serenity

2005-10-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

What can I say? I heart Jayne. I heart Mal. I heart Kaylee. I heart Wash (SPOILER...HE DIES). I heart River. I heart Simon. I heart Inara. I didn't really heart Book, so I'm not really cut up that he is dead. I was beginning to really heart Mr. Universe, too bad he got it too. I heart the full grown black woman. I heart cheesy dialogue and special effects. All in all a great way to spend an evening. My only complaint is that nerds should never be allowed out in large groups. On a nerd scale, I'd like to put myself at mild to medium nerd. At Serenety the HARD CORE nerds came out of hiding with their nerd humor and their clapping during the film. YIKES. Save us all from such a fate.

Pirates 10--Song and Dance number??? We are the Scourge of the Seven Seas???

2005-10-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

After startling revelations, the pirates find themselves in quite a dilemma.

"Did she just say what I think she said?" Smithy asked, and promptly passed out.

"We don't have time for this nonsense now! The powder kegs need to be set and we need to cause a little destruction!" The Rage shouted in one of her rages.

"Um, guys," Kit said as she popped her soot covered head out of the chimney, "you're really not going to believe this! Follow me."

Jimbo and The Rage shrugged at one another and followed her down the chimney where they ended up in a large bedchamber. "Well, this is nice, I'm glad I followed you all the way down here for you to show me a bedroom."

"No, look!" Kit opened the door a crack to reveal a balcony that stood over a ballroom. Couples were swaying back and forth, most notably Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner.

"Mmmm." The Rage sighed getting a kind of simple expression on her face.

"Not him...her!" Jimbilicious pointed to reveal a rather attractive and charming (if I do say so myself) former pirate prisoner sashaying around on the arm of COMMODOR NORRINGTON!

"What the-? Wha happened?" Smithy asked (he'd come to his senses just in time to follow them down the chimney and see Michy the Dread Pirate Sparrow making her mom proud and flirt flirt flirting with Norrington).

"This is going to get really ugly!" Kit predicted, and as always, she was right

Water Polo

2005-09-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today for my workout, I planned to give it my all, and since this guy we'll call Brad (because that is his name) who happens to be my swimming instructor had this insane workout written on his dry erase board, I really assumed this would be accomplished. Instead, we ended up playing water polo...in tubes. Yes, folks, IN TUBES!!! What kind of a lame game is that, you ask??? I don't know. Why oh why did I practice treading water while holding a gallon jug of water above my head, if not for a moment to shine in the water polo playing field? Everyone thought it was great (my team did happen to win, although I wasn't the MVP), but I was sadly disappointed. I am not going swimming tonight because The Rage and Smithfieldman and I are hitting up the ole' Foreign Cinema. That's right, the umbrella movie! I don't know how many times I've seen it, but it is always a winner! Anyway, I guess I'll have to get a better work out tomorrow during water arobics.

Give me a happy ending...everytime!!!

2005-09-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

Buckle your swash and Jolly your Roger!!! Man, how do I get sucked into these things??? Note to self, 80s musical adaptions of Pirates of Penzance is never a great idea. Especially when mullets are involved. The good thing about the situation is that you can always sucker Smithfieldman and PTown Popstar into watching anything. I'm just waiting to see from Justin to Kelly...

Revelations

2005-09-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

I discovered something odd about my dad last weekend. I was sitting with him at the Homestead and happened to ask whether he liked dogs or cats more (knowing full well that he isn't an animal in the house type person, and I agree). He turned to me, rather sarcastically and asked, "What do you think?" Well, I honestly had no idea that's why he asked...and then he told me he's a cat person! I don't know why this is startling since in our many years as father and daughter we have owned three dogs (two of those lasted a matter of two weeks before Big Steve gave them away) and many more cats that just come and go. I have to be honest, he never struck me as much of an animal person in the first place, although he did save two kittens from drowning once, and he rigged up a ladder to get my cat off a telephone pole. Anyway, I just found it odd. I am a cat person, all the way, although I am not an animal-in-the-house-type girl. I find self sufficience important, and unless a dog is searching for people in the mountains, saving lost skiers in the Alps or showing blind people around, I don't have very much use for them.

My Housecoat...or the BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!!!

2005-09-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Wow! For those of you who have yet to see my favorite article of clothing that I will never take off again...let me tell you, you're missing out. Something special happens when you find that certain piece of clothing that was made for you, I guess it is a type of synergy. It has only happened to me about fifteen times in my life, but each time I felt that when I recieved the cloths, my life would never be the same. Here is a list of some of the greats.
1-My blue windbreaker as a child. I wish I still had that thing.
2-My reflecty t-shirt that had a star chart on it, oh man.
3-"GET HIGH on the rockies" need I say more?
4-The green Pumas.
6-Green Alien DJ t-shirt.
7-THE GRAYBAR T-SHIRT!!! Can I get a what what?
8-My green vans.
9-The Blue Ireland sweater...where art thou?
10-The ski bum sweater.
11-Canadian Maple Leaf Beanie.
12-The pink friendship scarf.

You get the point...and recently, my flowery fabulous housecoat. Who knew getting old could be so rewarding?

Pirates 9

2005-09-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

In our last installment, Michy was locked in the Port Royal jail while Smithy and The Rage sets events in motion that they might later regret. Kit and her sidekick Jimblicious have also made their way to Port Royal to conduct a plot. We find them all together on the night when the Chilean Ambassador is supposed to arrive and greet Governor Swann. To commemorate the event, a ball will be thrown in his honor.

"Jimblicious, throw me that rope," Kit called as they stood at the foot of the Governer's house.

"I told you it would have been a lot simpler to just fake some invitations." Smithy grumbled, he was currently dangling about fifteen feet off the ground, but attached to some sort of grapling hook device.

"Quite whining, none of you have the true soul of a Pirate, I remember the time when Michy and I found ourselves of the coast of Cabo Verde, just two wild pirates looking for--"

"Do we have to listen to another one of your stories? I swear, I really can't take any more. This is almost as bad as selling security systems in the ghetto!" Jimblicious said.

"Shhh, everyone, be quiet, I thought we agreed that the element of surprise might be best!" Smithy said.

Everyone nodded and got to work planting powder kegs and kerosine, then the plotters scurried up the rope, one by one. When they reached the roof of the house they drew lots as to who would have to scurry down the chimney. Unfortunately, Kit got it.

"Are you serious?" She asked.

"Just hurry and see the lay of the land, then give us the signal and we'll follow you right down." The Rage said impatiently, which wasn't out of character.

"But I could die, what if the rope breaks? What if I suffocate? What if I contract some wacko chimney disease?"

"Just go, already!"

"All right, but Smithy, there is only one thing I want to say...if I die, I want you to know...that you have a son!!!" And with that Kit slid down the chimney.

Wolves

2005-09-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't heard me rant about Wolves lately, get ready. If the Daily Unifarce produces one more article on Wolves...I swear I will not be answerable for the consequences!!!

Okay, so this "I'm back" thing probably isn't as exciting the millionth time around

2005-09-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

The moment most of you have been waiting for has arrived. Yeah, I am posting, but not a sequel to the Pirate story which has been on a lot of people's minds. This blog is dedicated to The Rage, on of my favorite roommates. I have been feeling a lack of The Rage in my life and I am left feelig slightly empty. I have seen her for a grand total of ten minutes since Sunday. Ten minutes is not enough to even cover our mutual love of things similar like Wildfire and BP. I feel that this tragedy, though not quite as devastating as Katrina is still a tragedy.

When and how did this schism happen, you may ask. I blame BYU, I also blame The Homestead Spa and Resort where The Rage does her thing (by her thing I mean answer phones--I guess--and pretend to know all the answers). For no apparent reason I also blame the BYU bookstore and their new shady return policy that seems very fascist.

Balloon's Rising

2005-08-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps, due to popular demand, I am back. But pirates will probably have to wait for a few days. Or heck, Maybe I'll do it tonight, but no promises. I am in kind of a blah mood, mainly because I am feeling a strange lack of Brad in my life. I never thought that I would experience that Brad longing, but man do I (yes, I do). I know there are factions who were not so fond of Brad, but I can say I was never one of them...where will I get my Manorexic talks? Who will come up with strange anti-recycling theories? Who will swim in the pool with me during the middle of the week??? Damn you, Lawschool!!! So that is where I am at. I had a list of Brad moments that I was going to post on this blog, but right now the wound is just too fresh and I can't really cope with putting the memories out there for the web to comment upon, but if you have Brad memories, please post them.

In other news, I've discovered a great new skill, yes, I can man a hot air balloon!!! I don't want to brag, but the rage and I are both pretty awesome in this newly discovered talent. I actually think that Balloon Crew can be on my resume. Forget all other options, in a few years you will look into the sky and if you see a hot air balloon flying across the sky...I just might be riding in it.

Another Amazing Performance

2005-07-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

So today was the official debut(as opposed to the unofficial debut which invovled a lot of Brad whining about our lyrics) of our Anthem...yes the 100% original composition to woo the masses. Our plan worked and this little peice of musical genius was very well recieved. Though I still think the whole concept of WARD STARE is overrated. I didn't spy out anything particularly exciting.

Guess who's back???

2005-07-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

Correct, it is me. I know it has been ages, but sometimes a girl gets busy: epic trips to Fruitland, a little wedding extravaganza, not to mention a myriad of newly rediscovered friends due to a certain little kidney shaped entity in my backyard...but I am back on the internet and as many of you have whined, threatened, begged, and otherwise made my life not so fantastic lately, I will put another episode of the pirate story.

We left our fearless heroine in the capable hands of Commodor Norrington, while our plotters went in search of supplies.

"Okay, fifteen feet of rope"

"Check"

"Seventy-five, no seventy-nine barrels of gunpowder."

"Check, gee do you think we have enough?" The Rage chuckled as Smithy kept counting their inventory.

Smithy answered with a grin of his own and resumed. "Three barrels of oil, ten of kerosine, and two shiny apples for two famished conspirators."

"All accounted for. Although I did think the whole 'Lets buy the goods in Port Royal' thing a bit brazen, even for you. There are pictures of us on every lamp post, badly drawn pictures but still..."

"You don't like the disguises I purchased??? These bad boys will allow us to go incognito anywhere." Smithy now sported a permanent and some long black mustachios, while The Rage's current hair color was brown. Both wore rather large hats and capes...yes, to fly under the radar they had chosen capes.

"We look ridiculous."

Before Smithy had the time to be hurt, he noticed a group of people walking in from the docks. They were very familiar, and by very familiar I mean that the Commodor was leading Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, and Michy the Dread Pirate Sparrow (who was in hand AND leg shackles) along the street.

"Everyone back!!! Dangerous criminal walking!" Norrington shouted just to be contrary, and succeeded.

"Is that really necessary?" Will asked, "It's not as though the poor girl is a threat, I'm sure with all the guards she would not have attempted to bolt."

"For your information Mr Turner, this girl, though she may appear attractive (Yes, I wrote attractive folks...I hope Norrington isn't starting to like someone like more than an enemy!!!) and harmless, I assure you that she is the most vile sort of criminal on these shores and that at this very moments may have her cohorts here watching, waiting, and planning a rescue attempt!" Norrington bit out coldy.

"How can you say such a thing--"

"Ahh, might I interject? I would try to escape." Michy admitted. "I hate jails, particularly festering ones on ratty little islands."

"You see there, Mr. Turner, how your chivalry is missplaced? Lets move along, quickly now!" Norrington shouted to the guards.

Meanwhile the plotters had been looking on, The Rage with mixed emotions, and Smithy with a seething hatred of his former supervisor. "Maybe we should be trying to get her out of there."

"I thought you said that she chose her side, and you were going to wash your hands of her? And now that Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann are involved...it will be too complicated. Let's just focus on the revenge thing and let the rest take care of itself...shall we?" Smithy urged.

"Did you say Will Turner? Was he the dreamy dark haired one? What's his story?" The Rage asked quickly forgetting her friend Michy.

The New Guy

2005-06-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

Remember my work nemesis, CLEAVELAND??? Well, he quit, and then Isaac started. Isaac was a nice kid, though for some reason my boss kept calling him Isaiah. Hmmm, it reminded me of when my boss insisted on calling Fernando, Ferando. It was pretty funny. At any rate, new guy lasted a total of six days. Six. Yeah, appearently he is moving up to bigger and better things.

The Seventh Installment:THE PIRATES

2005-06-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Whew! Paragraphs again.

Our Heroine Michy is now being questioned by Commodor Norrington as to the mysterious disappearance of The Rage and Smithy.

Norrington ground his abnormally white teeth and looked at his prisoner with unmasked disdain. He hated pirates. He asked, again, for the millionth time. "Tell me where your associates are! For the last time, where did they go and why didn't they take you with them? I don't care so much about the angry one, but Lft Damstedt...I can't believe he could join forces with your kind...I was afterall grooming him to be my replacement...but now I know he's just a dirty rotten, freakishly tall (at this point Michy's mind began to wander, as it always did. The Commodor looked quite fit under his cheesy uniform and the rum runner wondered if he ever worked out? Maybe a few pushups in his room, in the morning, shirtless?) ungrateful wretch of a poor excuse for a--"

"Er, excuse me Commodor, but the Governer's daughter and her fiance are requesting to come aboard." An unhappy looking replacement for Lft. Damstedt interrupted.

"No they can't come aboard! This isn't a bloody carnival cruise! It is a flagship of her majesty's Royal Navy!!! We don't take social calls." Norrington answered quetly, but with sufficient force to make Michy think that under different circumstances he might be just the kind of take charge kind of man she'd like to get to know better.

"I didn't request, and this isn't a social call." Came a voice from the doorway, it belonged to a fairly pretty looking girl, who Michy immediately despised.

"We're here about Jack...you have to leave him alone, we can get a repreive if we have to, but I will stand between you and Jack as long as I have the power to stand for all things right and--"

"That'll be all Mr. Turner. I understand you have some sick man crush infatuation on Jack Sparrow, but if you could please keep these little feelings to yourself, I would thank you." Norrington said, the annoyance plain on his face.

"Ahh, and who is this poor girl you have tied up?" Elizabeth Swann asked (yes, the Governer's daughter turned out to be Miss Swann). "Is she a pirate?"

"As it happens, no, I am a common smuggler." Michy said. So, the Commodor was after her brother Jack, and these people, Mr. Turner and Miss Swann, seemed to be friends of his...but could they be trusted??? Michy didn't like the look of them, and it would definitely not help her situation with the Commodor if he discovered that she was Jack's sister.

"You can't just leave her like this." Mr. Turner protested. "What do you intend to do with her?"

Norrington turned to look at Michy while she stared at him defiantly. "Well, since she is a common smuggler, and fired on my ship, then coherced one of the members of my crew to help her associate escape, the only thing to do is to take her to Port Royal and have charges brought against her."

A Movie Review-Batman Begins

2005-06-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

Batman Begins, is at heart, a story about coats. Remember in the beginning when young Bruce Wayne (played by someone I don't even know) falls down the Bat Well, soon to be the Bat Cave, his father wraps him up in his coat...then when his dad gets it (soon to be Commissioner) Gordon wraps him up in his dad's coat. Later on when Bruce is a rebellios Princeton student, he trades coats with a homeless person (who is very greatful) and dissappears. Only to turn up later and compliment the coat. Man, that Batman likes coats.

Highlights:
Christian Bale doing pushups...shirtless.
The Scarecrow is insane.
The word spelunking makes an appearance.
The romance is there, yet not in an in your face sort of way.
Liam Neeson has the most ghetto facial hair, that I am oddly attracted to him.
THE MOVIE HAS A PLOT!!! IMAGINE.
The requiset number of things blew up.

On Romance

2005-06-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

I am not going to seduce anyone, stop bugging me!

The Sixth Pirates segment

2005-06-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

The plotters are now fully engaged in their devious conduct with the addition of Jimbo. Also the artist formerly known as Lft. Damstedt has taken a more villainesque name, Smithy...(again The Rage's computer is not letting me do paragraphs) "So what should we do? I want to make that pasty-faced Brit pay!" The Rage said in a very Ragelike fashion. "Perhaps we should stage an elaborate kidnapping that involves toothpicks, duct tape, and a blowdryer. Or maybe we could do the old standby and boil him in oil? Or hey...we could bury him on the beach and pour honey all over him, and let out killer animals of sort that really like honey???!!! What do you think?" Smithy's eyes lighted and he added in a gleeful whisper, "Hey, why don't we impersonate the ghost of Admiral Nelson and find a ship and--" Sadly, Jimbo, the voice of reason in this case, interrupted with a coughlike grunt. "Ummm, perhaps we could do something a little more subtle, something with flare of course, but nothing too flashy...haha! I've got it. The Chilean Prince of Easter Island,(at this point Kit interrupted by saying that The Chilean Prince of Easter Island sounded like a made up title, but everyone ignored her because she was more than three parts drunk if you know what I mean, and her words were a little slurred) or Isla de Pascua as my Spanish speaking friends would say, is visiting Port Royal in three weeks time. I say we use some explosives and blow up the ballroom where I am sure they will be holding a big dance. In the confusion, we will be able to steal the Dauntless and make fools of all your enemies and a lot of innocent bystanders for that matter." "Sounds great!" Said The Rage. "I'm in." Smithy concurred. "Good," Jimbo smiled, now the less we are seen together the better. You two go and gather explosives. Kit and I will take care of things on our end and we'll meet up in two weeks for more intense planning." The rumrunner and former naval officer nodded with wicked grins of pleasure all over their evil faces, and walked out of Kit's Tortuga Tavern. After a moment of silence Jimbo turned to his employer, "He seems nice." "Oh sure, take his side!" Kit exclaimed. (Yeah, she exclaims a lot in this story). "So you haven't told him?" Jimbo asked casually. "NO!!!" More exclaiming. "HE CAN NEVER KNOW, NEVER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" Kit looked more like The Rage than The Rage generally did at that moment, and Jimbo wisely nodded, and quickly got out of her way.

Just Rambling

2005-06-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing interesting to say, but I didn't want to only update when the Rage asks me to do some Fanfic action...but I have to see if the computer is still acting up. (crap turns out that it is still acting up...) alas. So I decided that I am not taking classes this summer...some will accuse the pool of helping me come to that realization, but I had been thinking about it for a long time. I am burned out of school. I used to really like school, and to an extent I still do, but once in a while I think that it would be nice to just take a break...and so summer semester will be the summer of Polychic! I know that you are all as thrilled as I am. But do not suppose that I will be slacking the whole time. I have decided that I will work on the Definitive Work, yes, that is right, I will finally start working on the epic Lord Rex. And I will try to complete the exciting tales of Drama called Terra Cotta Hope...wait, I mean The Dark Archer Trilogy.

Pirates #5 Or Kit's Tortuga Tavern

2005-05-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

Lft Damstedt and The Rage have left Michy to be Commodor Norrington's prisoner of love...The outlaws have managed to get passage to Tortuga and are now looking up an old friend... (sadly I am having technical difficulties, so it will have to be written like this). Out of the corner of their eyes they could see it...Kit's Tortuga Tavern, never before and never since had there been a more wretched hive of scum and villany. But that was just what Lft. Damstedt and The Rage were looking for at this point. As soon as the pair walked in the door they were greeted by a dangerous looking proprietess. "Well, well, well, in all the rum joints, in all the islands in the Carribean...you had to walk into mine." "It's been a long time, Kit" The freakishly tall deserter from the British Navy said...sheepishly? "You can say that again, me boy. I thought you had been eaten by leeches or something equally ridiculous. I guess a lady can't trust the word of anyone around here." Kit said roughly. "That's right, a lady can't." Damstedt answered. "You've met my associate, I gather." "Of course, Hello Rage, its also been a long time...thanks for getting me out of that little situation...you know the one where the guy had the thing at that place." Kit said. "Where is Michy?"
"Let us never speak that name again...anyway, we are looking for a few good men. Basically, I need some heros, we're holding out for some heros till the morning light. They gotta be strong and they gotta be fast and they gotta be fresh from a fight." The Rage answered. "Right I got just the man you're looking for. He is my piano player. Jim! Mr. Bolicious, I got some people here to see you...but before that, play it jim. Play it again, that song that Lft. Damstedt and I used to dance to until the wee hours of the mornin'"

I Hate Hospitals

2005-05-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

I hate hospitals for the reasons below.
1-They are impersonal
2-They are dehumanizing
3-They are filled with false cheer
4-They are filled with sadness
5-They have this sanitized whiteness that is abnormal
6-They are lonely
7-There are too many nurses
8-People are desensitized
9-You always feel rushed, even when you are just sitting there.
10-The gowns, ah heaven help us, the gowns.

Pirates #4

2005-05-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

Our heroes, Michy the Dread Pirate Sparrow and her faithful friend The Rage are currently prisioners on the British Naval Ship the HMS Dauntless. Meanwhile Norrington desperately searches for the Black Pearl, but it has vanished.

"So...nice ship," Michy began casually.

"What are you talking about? We've been on this bloody ship for three days sailing back to port, and we've lost our whole shipment. Not to mention that we'll be put up in a jail and more than likely hanged for smuggling!" The Rage snorted, in her usual ray of sunshine fashion. It was early in the morning (11:00) and she'd just been awakened from a rather satisfying nap.

"Sure, whatever, I am just thinking...what do you think of the Commodor?" Michy asked.

"I hate him with the burning fire of a thousand suns." Was the answer.

"Oh, because I was thinking that he is oddly attractive." Michy told her friend while ignoring her horrified expression. "Seriously, if it were procreate or die, I would procreate...in fact, he may or may not be my post apocolyptic life mate of choice. Didn't you see the romantic tension there??? He doesn't know it, but he is totally in love with me."

"Have you gone mad?" The Rage asked dumbfounded.

"Hey, if loving Norrington is wrong...I don't want to be right." Michy said, and then promptly turned to her bunk and went to sleep.

The Rage turned over these words in her mind, dying a little each time. This would have to be the end of their partnership. She couldn't be friends with someone who liked a conceited guy like Norrington, it just wasn't possible! What was she to do?

"Psssst, pssst!" Whispered the freakishly tall individual who had been swabbing the galley. "I couldn't help but overhear that you hate Norrington. You aren't the only one. I know some guys, who know some guys, who would be willing to get a crew together and take the ship."

"I'm listening." The Rage smiled...opportunity had opened yet another door, a cell door as it were as Lft. Damstedt took out the keys and broke her out of the galley. The Rage took one last look at her sleeping friend and wondered if all the noise would wake her. No, The Rage remembered that if Michy could sleep through a night at Kits Tortuga Tavern...she could sleep through anything. And without a pang of conscience, The Rage took off into the afternoon...

Revenge of the Sith Review

2005-05-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

I don't want to spoil this for anyone...but evil triumphs, and I must say that there is something I love about evil triumphing in the Star Wars world. Remember how great it was when the Empire struck back and Han Solo was frozen in carbonite??? Ahhh, those were good times. Now this movie...how can I describe how I loved it? There aren't words, suffice it to say that this movie almost made up for the prior suckiness of the first two episodes...almost. There was still a "I love you" "No, I love you more!" scene that I would have happily done without, but when ObiWan gives Anikan a taste of what Lt. Dan felt...I really forgot that I hate the Padme/Anikan dynamic more than I hate the recycled C-3PO lines. Ahh, and the Imperial Guard turns up. I do enjoy the Imperial Guard.

The Pirates..next installment

2005-05-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

The HMS Dauntless had just been hit from an unknown ship, thus enabling the BLACK PEARL to slip out of Commodor Norrington's clutches once more.

"Good work!" Captain Mitchy shouted over the roaring of the waves.

"It was nothing." The Rage smiled. That would be the last smile for sometime because at that precise moment, both rum runners realized that they were now out of ammunition...and there was no way that The Nun (who'd recieved some damage after running into a ship called The Liberty--not piloted by a Canadian) was going to excape the HMS Dauntless's wrath. Sadly, the ship was taken in a battle that lasted all of twenty four minutes and thirty seven seconds. It took just about that time for Commodor Norrington and Lft. Damstedt to round up her wiley crew.

"What have we here, Damstedt?" Norrington asked in his smarmy high class drawl. "Pirates? Rum runners? Rebels without a cause?"

Captain Mitchy straightened her shoulders (one of Consuelo's councels about standing up straight and getting the most out of your height had finally begun to make some sort of sense), "I'm Captain Mitchy the Dread Pirate Sparrow and this is my esteemed associate, The Rage...you may know her as The Wicked Rage, your ship certainly does. And do you have a name, sailor?"

Commodor Norrington ground his teeth, it was just the sort of impertinence that you could expect from a pirate. "In some stories I have been called James, but you may call me Norrington, because I am not sure if the James is based in fact, or just some invention of overzealous fanfic writers."

"Then, listen here Norrington, you may have taken our ship, but you will never take our freedom!" Michy burst out, not perhaps the wisest idea considering the circumstances, but even though Michy was famous for "always thinking, always thinking" she hadn't quite crossed the wisdom threshold just yet.

"Damstedt, my freakishly tall and slightly unmotivated Lft, take the pirates below and show them some of the crown's hospitality."

And so the two rum runners were taken below to the galley, but not before The Rage had a chance to cast perhaps one of the most evil looks ever cast at the Commodor.

Concert Review or I Heart Keane!

2005-05-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Okay kids, I would put this in my top ten concerts of all time...was it the sweet seats, was it the stellar performance, was it the nifty new wall hanging that I purchased, was it busting in of the date of a Canadian??? I think all of these things factored in make the concert great, but more than that. I actually had low expectations, because how can a choral type band sound really great live??? Oh, but they did. And skinny British men should always wear white belts!

American Idol(altry?)

2005-05-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

This blog is not going to be about that kid claiming he slept with Paula Abdul. Frankly, I don't care. It isn't even about the fact that he claims she helped his with his style and song selection. I don't care if alleged coaching is legal/illegal, ethical/unethical, stupid/really stupid [do you like my use of the word 'alleged' assuming someone will read this, I don't want to be sued]. What bothers me is America's unhealthy attachment to this pathetic show. To make old and tired points...who wants to vote on the next crappy 'artist' that will be making another ridiculously pretentious albumn (which I will never buy) of music that I do not like??? Who wants to see the winners/losers spattered across the television day after day and night after night acting as though their miniscule lives were actually important. Is it funny when they suck it up? Yes. Does it matter...NO! Now onto the second part of my rant which deals with the obvious (no, I am not a conspiracy theorist) THE THING IS RIGGED. Let us look at the previous winners...shall we? First, Kelly Clarkson, small town Texas lady who happens to be white. Second, Chubby Hubby (can't remember his name, has something to do with a sandwich...wait! Rueben!) fat guy from down south happens to be black. Then you have that annoying voiced one, what was her name? Ambrosia salad? I don't care, but she was a thin black lady from down south. So who will win this time...White guy. He'll probably be thin and from the southern portion of the country. That is just the way it goes, you all remember Quiz Show, if you don't it was a little rigged game show in which the gentiles always beat the jews. Hey, I don't make this stuff up, there is a movie starring Ralph Fiennes (who likes to call himselve Raif Fines, go figure). My theory explains why Clay Aiken is so popular, he didn't win, because it was fat black guy's turn. But he was the real winner. Although America is stupid, it knowa what it likes and it likes skinny redheads (also southern).

The Pirates...the sequel

2005-05-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

When we last left the story our fearless pirates were watching a British Naval Ship fire on the BLACK PEARL, we now enter the H.M.S Dauntless...

The waves crashed against the H.M.S. Dauntless's stern side, but this meant nothing to the man who stood looking through his spyglass with a smug satisfied look. The man was dressed in his imbecable regimentals, complete with white wig. Although he was so pale that he looked as though he hadn't seen sun in years, he was known to be "a fine man" After watching one of his cannons hit empty water behind the Pearl, he shouted. "Luftenent (yes, luftenent) Damstedt!"

Almost before the word's left the Commodor's lips, a freakishly tall individual lumbered leisurely onto the deck. "Yes commodor?"

Norrington frowned...this wasn't much of a replacement, too bad that other guy had been killed by Captain Barbosa's deathless crew. "We are losing them Damstedt! More wind in the sails! More powder in the cannon...if you ever want any kind of promotion around here, you are going to have to start pulling your weight."

"Sure," Lft. Damstedt answered sleepily. "But didn't you say that Jack Sparrow would eventually make his way to Kit's Tortuga Tavern?"

Norrington rolled his eyes. Why must he be plagued by these bumbling minions? Why did he have to lose the chance to marry the Governer's daughter to a silly kid that looked kind of like an elf? Why was it that he seemed to be the only one making any sense of a senseless world?

Sadly before any of these questions could be answered a sudden blast from a cannonball shattered the bits of the ship directly to the left of the Commodor.

To Edit?

2005-05-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I really thought I would continue the little fanfic today as the natives are getting restless, but someone commented on a former blog and I was seized (oh yes) by inspiration. It was about the edited movies that you can rent here in Provo. I will be honest and admit that I have never rented a movie from Clean Flix (if that is truly the correct spelling and what that place is actually called). Wait a moment, I may have mislead you, I once rented a movie that was supposed to be edited (Once Upon a Time in Mexico), but it turns out there were way to many F-Bombs for the thing to actually have been edited, ahh what a hysterical movie, but I digress. I have an interesting suggestion that could possibly repair many ills of humanity in one fell swoop. For those who want to edit out sex,language,violence...fine, and for the rest of us, lets edit out stupidity. I realize that this might make some movies shorter, but who really wanted to see three hours of "Titanic"? I think it would work wonders and really save me time, for example, I would have only wasted about ten minutes of my life watching TIME BANDITS, and even less time on Glitter (it wasn't my choice, don't judge).

Just because you know the answer...doesn't mean that you should scream it out

2005-05-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

This little peice of advice goes out to annoying girl who sits behind me in my Euro politics class. Yes, within the first five minutes of class I was aware that you had once been to London, and so therefore must be an expert on everything pertaining to THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND. I feel bad for international students, what they must think. I now formally make a sweaping apology to anyone who has to sit near annoying girl. I think that I will take my cue from her and preface every comment I make in class with "when I worked in Scottish Parliament...". And just so I can compete I will say it kind of arrogantly and lower my voice a register or two just to get attention. I can see it now...

Gotta go Bullets

2005-04-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

Am now seated in the Provo library and I have gotta go bullets because I have too many thoughts running through my mind to put them in any logical sense.

1-I love the comedy "House of Flying Daggers".
2-They should make a ringtone out of that Disney "Put it in the bag, put it in the bag. Bump Bump." song. It would be great and I would buy it.
3-Or KittyKat and I should do a little tap dance number to it.
4-I miss the Freshman.
5-I also miss Smithfieldman, even though he is an upper case Liberal (as opposed to the lower case liberals who are pro-business and anti taxation. Those liberals who are actually about freedom. Classic liberals if you will. Think Adam Smith, or your own politicchic6).
6-UK elections are today and once again weasely Blair looks as though he is going to win! Droga! I guess it is better than the Lib Dems.
7-Being homeless is no picnic, contrary to popular belief. Ask "the rage" about being awakened in the wee hours by a little guy who is currently obsessed with tractors.
8-You should never watch the musical Annie when you are lonely. That first song will kill you.
9-If I get kidnapped (and my hair gets cut) please don't use ugly pictures of me where my eyes look all crazed.
10-I feel like I am the only one blogging with any regularity.

That is it. One day I will write another brilliant blog, but for now this is all that I can manage.

Pirates Fanfic #1

2005-04-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

The wind blew gently (as it oft does) over the Carribean sea while Michele's eyes scanned the horizen...her friends knew her as Mitchy the Dread Pirate Sparrow, but to her enemies (and her mother) she was Michelita. By her side stood her longtime companion/partner on a somewhat lucrative rum running ship, Rachel THE RAGE Ranieri. The Rage was the pilot of their ship, the nun, and many epic battles had taken place on the high seas, or in Provo parkinglots.

"What's bothering you, Capn (this title was a longtime joke between the two)?" The Rage asked.

"I have a bad feelin'. You know the kind you get right before a wicked awesome storm brews, or a stage five hurricane? I think it has to do with my brother Jack. What a worthless, good for nothing, (and for the faint of heart I will stop here, because her description became quite graphic)." Mitchy replied. She and Jack had never seen eye to eye on any subject, but he had somehow always managed to land her into trouble, and danger, two things the young pirate could do without.

"Ahh, Jack..." The Rage smiled. The two had had several little interludes in years past, but had recently decided that they liked each other like friends, and now the Rage was in the quest for THE ONE. Sadly, the only gentlemen pirates that had showed interest were far too young to handle a feisty lass like the Rage.

"There it is!" Mitchy cried suddenly while pointing to the starboard side. In the distance, if you squinted quite hard and hadn't partaken of any of the cargo, you could barely make out black sails. Trailing behind were two other ships, they looked like flagships of the British Navy. "Jack's bloody soul! What has he gotten himself into now???"

A Girl Without a Blog is Nothing

2005-04-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, my adoring friends...it has been too long, but I see that very few people are updating and/commenting on blogs. That is a shame, we can't let this good thing that we have going on die so soon.

So I am homeless, and you know what that means...that is right, I am eating all the saltines in Steven and Diana's house. Good times, although they would be much worse if I did not have the (sadly not constant) companionship of "the rage". Time and time again our friendship has been tested and come up strong as we have battled hunger, crappy movies, and dead car batteries. I think that we are currently ready for whatever else will come our way. One thing that distresses however is the lack of Freshman. I know that technically they are no longer freshman, but I will call them that forever. Even though I failed to get my R-Hall shirt, I have only good memories. Also, my next update may be the beginning of an epic new fanfic starring the Rage and yours trully. Think two Pirates sailing the Carribean.

Ode to Sonic

2005-04-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is true. I have found myself missing that wee Scot. Sonic is my political soul mate for those of you who did not know (and NO, Darblyg, I do not love him. Remember sonic=platonic). I even find myself missing his crazy Aberdeen pride and outragious Ryan Cabrera hair. I can't wait until I am ruler of the U.S. and he is Prime Minister in the UK and we have that great Reagan/Thatcher type comraderie. So I've compiled a list of my favorite Sonic Moments to tide me over (they will all begin with the phrase "Remember the time"):
Remember the time that it was casual dress Friday and Sonic picked us up wearing the billowy shirt?
Remember the time Em was going campaigning in Cupar and asked Sonic what he was wearing and he thought it was an innuendo?
Remember the time we had the most awkward lunch ever with Sonic?
Remember the time Sonic sent the pictures of Stonehaven and wanted me to waste a half a workday looking them over.
Remember the time Sonic stood me up in Stonehaven...I sure do.
Remember the time my fellow interns and I discovered that Sonic was the casual sex guy of his office.
Remember the time Sonic wanted to come to lunch with us the same day that we were having the missionaries over?
Remember the time Sonic always asked where we were going on institute night and began to think that my fellow interns and I were religious zealots.
Remember the time Sonic pilfered wine from the Socialist's crazy lobbyist thing?
Remember the time Sonic drank A LOT?
Remember the time Sonic broke up with his girlfriend by literally running away from her in a train station?
Remember the time Sonic did all his TERRIBLE impersonations?
Remember the time I told him (after the Irish accent) that he should have been an actor instead of a politician and he thought that I was serious?
Remember the time Sonic loves Monty Python and went to a book signing?
Remember the time Sonic loved hideous pop music?
Remember the time Sonic always ditched that lobbyist Mark, even when Em had scheduled appointments with him?
Remember the time we brought the Irish Drinking Socks for him and he wore them all the time?
Ahh, those were good times. I would feel remiss if I did not mention a certain other friend who is leaving shortly...but I'll blog on that later.

Rich and Famous

2005-04-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

The other day as I was leaving work (ah, the BREWSTER BUILDING) my boss told me that he "fully expects [me] to be rich and famous one day". I was pretty shocked because in my illustrious career at the Brewster I have never given anyone an indication that I was capable of anything more than dusting. How can my boss think such things??? KittyKat5000 postulated that perhaps the milky eye is a seer's eye, but I doubt it. I mean, it is highly possible that I will end up poor...and infamous. In fact, I have a list of reasons why it is more likely that I will be poor and infamous rather than rich and famous.
1) this may come as a surprise to some, but I am utterly lacking in athletic ability.
2) it has taken several years longer than necessary to complete a Bachelor's degree.
3) I am an expert at breaking into locked apartments.
4) I have friends who know the way to commit the perfect murder.
5) I don't like caviar.
6) I do not know any handsome heirs that are willing to propose marriage any time soon.
7) My degree (Pl Sci and Latin Am. Studies) is virtually pointless.
8) Ibuprofen habit anyone???
9) Keen sense of style and rapier wit.
10) I do hang out with a bunch of dodgy characters.

A Quick Thought

2005-04-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, two postings within moments of each other. I know you will all be pleased. This is really a resolution blog. And my resolution, you ask??? Never read Fanfictions on campus again. So I was sitting innocently in my SECRET lab (yes, startanepidemic, you have to pull lots of unnecesarry levers to get there) reading a few little stories. The biggest problem is that I constantly have to fight the impulse to laugh out loud. These stories keep getting cheesier and cheesier. I thought it was impossible, but no. This kid just sat down and asked me if I was working on a project...hee-hee-hee, of course not. And to top it all off, I was looking around and on the chalk board (I hope this will not give away the location of my lab) were the words: IMMIGRANT ANCESTORS. I wonder if the Irish Immigrant story falls under that category???

The Convention to End ALL Conventions

2005-04-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Going to Star Wars Convention is one of the best ways that a person could spend time. Planning a Star Wars Convention is even better. And being the keynote speaker at a Star Wars Convention...I can only imagine the bliss. Which leads me to a strange and delightful little theory...we are pretty awesome activities planners. Give us a few hours and some Freshman FHE funds and we are a force (yes, THE FORCE, if you will) to be reckoned with.

For those of you that missed it (and we even got the engaged roommate and her fiance out), the evening began with a walk down the third floor of the WSC (WILK for those of us who have been here for just a "shade under a decade...all right") where various Star Wars pictures lead the way to 3223. At the door was a pretty sweet cardboard cutout which Stewed Slacker contributed. Contrary to popular belief the convention did not turn out to be a "glorified extension of our livingroom", but lots o' people showed up, and there was even someone there in a fantastic Jedi costume (we were all in costumes of course, but as planners/organizers I don't know if we really count). We had a keynote speaker, a famous man, a quiet man, a tall man, a Smithfieldman. We also had contests, game (singular), a movie trailer, some X-Box, and the Clone Wars cartoon...oh yeah, it was professional...I don't even think that DISCO SKATING can compete. One little sidenote: more people from our ward showed for the convention than showed up for the ward talent show. Hmmm, I just don't know what to make of it. Anyway, this is Forest Moon of Endor Leia, signing off.

Okay, I admit it, I am LAZY

2005-04-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

So, I know this is shocking to all of you who see me crawl out of bed everyday around noon, but I am pretty lazy (don't argue guys, I am lazy). This fact was brought home to me while I was out to dinner with an old friend (some call him a sexual preditor, I just call him Jon the beloved). We were talking about his pursuit of a guy best friend. Yes, the rumors are true, I believe Jon has accepted the fact that he will never get a girlfriend and wants to settle for a male BFF. Here he runs into a problem because finding new friends takes work. I found that I could agree with him wholeheartedly. I have often met people around that I thought were pretty cool and have toyed briefly with the idea of trying to become their friend...but then I realize that I would have to go through that awkard stage where they might not get my jokes and think that I am a lot more cynical/bitter than I actually am. So I stick with my ole' standbys (yeah, that means you my blogging friends). By the end of dinner both Jon and I decided that that was really the only thing to do...continue being friends where little work is required.

My Busdriver

2005-04-07T01:54:00.000-07:00

My busdriver repeatedly calls me Dublin. Sometimes he switches it up and calls me Darlin' but most of the time it is just Dublin. I am pretty sure that it is because I wear the Dublin jacket most days before I go to work. It makes for an odd little interchange because the other people on the bus must think that we are BFF. I don't know whether that is a good or a bad thing, as my busdriver is more than a little bit crazy (hey he said it, not me...although he admitted it in the form of a joke: There was this squirrel chasing me around the other day because he thought I was nuts). There was the time that he forgot the route right in the middle and took the wrong street, oh, and let us not forget that he likes to sing operah every now and again. But can you hate a man who drops you right in front of your workplace (the esteemed Brewster Building) even though it isn't a scheduled stop??? I don't think so.

Made a little trip to Smithfieldman's place tonight. It was very interesting to see his apartment because though we have been friends for a while (in BYU years it is something like ten years), he likes to keep his place a secret. I thought about searching for some superhero secrets while I was there, but he has eyes like a hawk. The only thing that I managed to discover was that he makes a pretty mean cake. Next time I will worm out more, trust me.

Things I Learned from The Work and the Glory

2005-04-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

First-the golden plates can be used to bash thieves who are trying to steal them in the night.
Second-the book "is not evil" that is really good to know.
Third-puffy sleeves are back (so are puffy ties, or cravats).
Fourth-ethnic chics need lovin' too.
Fifth-beard equals evil, that and hanging out with the Murdock boys.
Sixth-sometimes you get your money's worth at the dollar movie theater, sometimes you don't. This time I did.
Seventh-Bigotry and "blind ignorance" are wrong, acceptance is good.
Eigth-"Joe" may have been really good at the stick game.
Ninth-bonnets were always very unnatractive.
Tenth-sometimes movies are just as bad as the books.

Yeah, don't judge me. I like cheep movies as much as the next guy especially when they are produced by LARRY H. MILLER. From the man who brought you the Utah Jazz...

UK Elections are Next Month

2005-04-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

I know that you are all expecting some comment on last night's brilliant dramatic production, but there are more important things in hand. UK elections next month. Will Labour splinters lead to more Tory members? Can Brown hold our Tories together? And more important, will the SNP gain or lose seats due to the old National Health Service debacle ("Socialized medicine...more social than medicine")? It is really too close to call. Too bad I am not in Scotland because I would be able to vote. That is right, it doesn't even matter if you are a subject of the crown or not, you can vote no matter what. And the odd bit is that no one found this strange and seemed surprised that I did. Hypothetically, you have your own country, are you going to let just ANYONE vote whether they are citizens or not??? I didn't think so, oh well, that just goes to show you the ideas that EuroTrash minds will come up with...I miss Trais.

Mission Renion Time Comes but Twice a Year...Thankfully

2005-03-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

It is that time again, the time that Ross M. Madsen (I know him as Presidente) sends me an email requesting my presence at a mission reunion. I haven't been since last April, I believe (or was it the November before last? I really can't recall). Either way I am sure that the whole Brazil, Recife Mission will be clamoring to see yours trully.

Yes, it has been ALMOST three years since I returned and what do I have to show for my time??? a) I am closer to graduation with an actual degree b) I did make it to Scotland which was in my five year plan c) I learned to play the guitar pretty poorly which makes for good times d) I have witnessed the marriages of a great majority of my pre mission friends e)I now have a nephew (perhaps this is something that should really be atributed to my brother and sister-in-law, but I take the credit for his cool ability to dance and strum the guitar while singing Jingle Bells)and f) I have completed writing two epic novels Lord Rex and the first book in the Dark Archer Trilogy--some call it Terra Cotta Hope, but I still think that title is gay and call it The Dark Archer Book 1.

Wow, and I thought I hadn't really done anything too important. I astound myself sometimes with my own greatness...hee-hee-hee. But in one area, I know that people in the mission will really get on my case...yup, I am now entering my twenty-fifth year of life as a BYU Spinster. I know, I know, if E. Rasmussen can find someone, everyone should be able to get married. In theory it is great, but in practice, lets be honest, all of the rejection I faced as a missionary in NO WAY prepared me for the LDS dating world...especially when I may or may not be a "black hole of emotion" with commitmentphobe tendencies. Oh well, it should be fun to great S. Sadler (the first greenie that I trained--and my first junior companion incidentally) and her husband, and potential bun in the oven. BRING ON THE REUNION!!!

The enemy of my enemy...also my enemy

2005-03-29T16:59:00.000-08:00

A new chapter in the saga that is the Cleaveland/Politicchic power struggle for breakroom dominance. The kid offered me guitar lessons at less than his going rate. What is he thinking??? The idea that I would actually, willingly, spend more time with him, and then pay him for it is completely nonsensical. The kid needs a definite reality check.

Though I am forced to be honest when I say that whilst he was mocking a certaing someone I like to call, Lyle (Jon's roommate) for his singing/songwriting abilities (or lack thereof, who am I to judge?), I may or may not have let out a reluctant chuckle. I was mildly civil, but he is still my enemy whether or not he dispises Lyle as well.

Pilates Ab Workout

2005-03-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

I've uncurled from the fetal position and am now whimpering in pain. I think everyone should have to do the Pilates Ab strengthening tape at least once to know what I am talking about. It is unnatural that the body should fold itself up in certain ways, but those yoga people do it with ease. So now I really feel that I need to counteract the exercise by eating some delicious Leatherbys or an equally fatty type dinner that involves fries. How I love fries. If fries were a man I would SO marry that man. Sadly, fries are only potatoes and they do not get married. I actually blame the fries for my having to do Pilates daily. It is too bad that I can't resist the seductive lure of the fried golden potato.

Falling in love with Smithfieldman wasn't part of the plan!!!

2005-03-21T23:47:00.000-08:00

It is time to do a tribute to one of the people (all right the only person) who got me interested in blog writing. It happened at a magical candlelight dinner at 'The Leath'. Smithfieldman gazed deep into my eyes and admitted that he had a blog. I will admit that I was somewhat sceptical and I may or may not have laughed outright, but I have since repented of my original harsh response and discovered that I like Smithfielman like more than a friend. Seriously, Smithfieldman gets my vote as the most hilarious blogger, if the Angel FanFic wasn't an indication the succint comments on Stewed Slacker's page really push the point home. So Smithfieldman, I salute you and your kind. This is to all the freakishly tall fellows who speak like they have just been sleeping and also happen to write blogs. Alas, I even extend a special invite to the famous Fruitland Easter Egg Hunt as a special reward.

Marriage...it's what brings us together

2005-03-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking a lot about marriage recently. Someone I know is getting hitched and has been discussing her plans twenty-four seven. I won't go into detail about how I feel about that sort of behavior. Let me just say that I have learned a myriad of little details that I never wanted to hear about. So lately I have been thinking of what cool inscription I will have on my ring. I am debating between U+me=us or Veni, Vedi, Vivi (I came, I saw, I conquered). Class all the way.

The Milky Eye Dilemma

2005-03-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have a little dilemma and I would appreciate some advice from all of you out in the world of bloggers. My boss is a nice guy, we'll call him Richard because that is his real name. Richard is my supervisor and whenever he is talking to me I have the problem of not knowing where to look. My problem stems from the fact that one of Richard's eyes is a lovely blue color, but the other is a sick milky color that looks like there is some strange film over his eye. I am constantly torn, because though his eye repulses me, I can't seem to stop staring. Then I feel rude and I tell myself to stare at his good eye, but that feels weird to, so I end up looking at the tips of my workshoes. It is getting to be really uncomfortable, so please, what eye should I look into?

We're havin' a Party

2005-03-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

We generally have parties for every occasion. Cinco de Mayo, people getting into law school and/or going to massage therapy school, Groundhog Day. Really there is no end to the enjoyment. I find myself getting very pumped up as we speak. Parties are great because I like to invite all the five people that I actually enjoy hanging out with. Mono Monkey's or no. So far the guest list includes a freakishly tall kid, a cell phone analogy guy, a sexual predator, a Mono Monkey and the carrier monkey, and my roommates boyfriend. Ahhh, the list goes on and on.

But this party will be special, like no other. St. Patties day is a magical affair which justifies the wearing of my green Pumas, how delightful. I toyed briefly with bringing my Irish dancing tunes, but sadly I have an aversion to River Dance. The unnaturalness of it all, no arm movement. Ugh...

Cleaveland doesn't rock

2005-03-15T22:22:00.000-08:00

I have an enemy at work, I call him Cleaveland so that I can talk about him whilst he's in the same room without him realising it. He is quite thick. At any rate I do not like the kid for several reasons but I have settled on ten reasons.
10-He tries to make other people feel stupid.
9-He is LAZY (this is saying something coming from me).
8-He has this annoying archaic grin.
7-He tries to have deep conversations all the time.
6-He never remains in his work area.
5-Sometimes I'll say something to him and he will have no idea that I am actually speaking, and he claims that he isn't hard of hearing.
4-He is nineteen and a junior in college.
3-His life plans include be a lawyer/rockstar.
2-He is arrogant.
1-Tries to control break room conversation when that is my job.

So today Cleaveland didn't show up at work which was no big surprise because he is frequently MIA. I ended up having to do his work which took me a total of twenty minutes. It generally takes Cleaveland four hours.

What is it all about...and what is it?

2005-03-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

Recently, all right, yesterday I saw a slightly disturbing bumper sticker. This bumper sticker said...'What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?' So that begs the question, what it could the hokey pokey be all about? Bad dance crazes? Things you think are cool when you're five? The reason people mock and ridicule white people? Because to me, the hokey pokey is about the lowest commen denominator for human behavior. Come on people, give me something I can get behind. The Chicken Dance, or the Bunny Hop, now those are dances. Firstly, the involve the name of two cool animals sometimes associated with Easter and therefore, Cadburry Cream Eggs. The hokey pokey is a nonsense word that could be taken way out of context by the relatively dirty minded. Secondly, they (the aforementioned bunny and chicken dances) require some skill as to their execution, you are expected to do more than wiggle certain apendages. In short, the Hokey Pokey is wrong, and I never want to see a bumper sticker devoted to it again...but don't even get me started on bumper stickers.

Cell Phones (or Mobile Phones to my brit friends)

2005-03-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

I don't have a cell phone. I am the last person on earth who doesn't (except for my friend who has been dubbed freakishly tall). I even have a friend who sells them for a living and has made clever little analogies for each service provider ('Verizon is like the cool kid at school sho everyone wants to date and T-Mobile is the cool kid's best friend. Sprint is the foster child that everyone hates etc. etc.) I can't stand cell phones. I hate them. But I also love them. I wish everyone had a cellphone (myself excluded) and would answer whenever I called, but turn them off the second they come into my apartment. Currently the occupants of my apartment are busy testing their various cell phone rings. A phone ring duel if you will. How many times can you hear that stupid Stars and Stripes ring before you want to tear your eyes, ears, (or any other necessary body parts) out? The answer is four-hundred and seventy-two. My left eye is no more. There goes my ear. This is too painful KILL ALL CELL PHONES!!!! More when I've regained sanity, or thoroughly stopped all of the cell phone users in my life.

Welcome to the Picnic

2005-03-12T22:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, welcome. I think the name of this blog pretty much describes what it is all about. I will be commenting (with cynicism of course) about my life observations. Please feel free to agree or disagree...